July 9 - Day 39

Deep thoughts:

As fast as this whole process has gone – even though some days feel like eternity – it has been a time of many ups and downs, questioning, learning, embracing, feelings joy and at times even feelings of anger.

I don’t think I will ever be able to put this experience into clear, detailed, understanding words for one to even grasp slightly what this journey means to us. As we prepare to meet with a book publisher in the near future my mind begins the planning process of writing a book. How many chapters, what is our overall theme of the book, what’s our message, what things we will share and/or keep to ourselves for our own personal memories...these questions all lead me to excitement as our future unfolds and we see where new things take us. I am pumped!

I will admit that this course of treatment has been a little harder than the last course – which doctors explained to me. I knew walking into this round that my faith would be tested and this would be a challenge against myself to practice what I preach. Waking up some mornings just gasping for air, trying to find the energy to roll out of bed and brush my teeth even though the sink was literally two feet away, ordering my meals for the day while feeling nauseous just by looking at the menu, sitting with my head buried into my heads which hold on so tightly to my IV pole repeating to myself – I CAN do this, and I WILL do this over and over.

Still, compared to what I have been through in the past – this course is still a walk in the park. I remember my treatments last time (when I fought Leukemia) and how every single day was a battle to keep pressing on. 365 days a year for nearly 3 years I fought day in and day out to just keep going. To get one more breath of air, to keep one more meal down, to keep myself from losing weight, to keep myself from throwing up, to stay strong, even through the pain, to be joyful when life was hell, and to choose to be a fighter when everything in me wanted to give up. A few weeks in a hospital is nothing compared to the years I called Children’s Hospital my home away from home and considered the doctors and nurses part of my family.

This round has had its challenging moments that at times remind me of those painful years. I have to remind myself to take time to sit and reflect and sometimes even allow myself to be mad and not bottle it in dealing with it on my own – because it’s okay to be mad and ask questions sometimes. Why again? Was the first time not good enough? What am I being taught; did I not already learn something? Is this my fault? Could I have done something to prevent this? But at the end of the day when I really focus and ponder the day’s challenges – I remember this: Life is good – Always!

And rather I like it or not, life will always deal me its share of challenges. Sometimes challenges seem to be so painful and lengthy and when I think i’ve had enough it just keeps going and never seems to end. But through all chaos my purpose never changes, like the 5 dollar bill illustration I had talked about. My value is still the same. And why do bad things happen to good people? Because they are just that...good people making a difference in the world and the devil don’t like it. A friend of ours taught us a very powerful thing and I want to add an extra bit to it: If i’ve learnt one thing about the devil in this battle and what he thinks of us, it’s that when our feet hit the floor in the morning, he says, “Oh crap, their up”.

I sometimes picture this battle not only like a walk through the park but a walk through the deep woods. I can see the peak of the mountain and where ive been and where I am I headed, but between me and the peak is unknown as the deep woods are filled with mush, debris, valleys, hills, rivers, and ponds – which I must trek through. The peak is appearing to be closer but there is still a little bit of the unknown to trek though.

i’ve had very few bad days and for that I am very thankful. And even with the bad days that i’ve had – they have been few and far in between and I am still able to say – Life is good...it could be a lot worse.

Though it sounds bizarre I am so grateful for this experience and the things that it has once again reminded me, taught me, and help me learn what challenges Christa and I might endure as a married couple.

I will continue to press on and the day will come when I will stand on top of that mountain peak and shout to the valleys below – I am victorious! I am a winner! I am strong! I WILL WIN!

Until next time,

Tim Harriman