Friday, May 15, 2009

May 15 - A pain deep within

(a lamentation of words never spoken)...
It hardens my heart to know that whenever I walk the streets people look at me as the cause of all this mess. All the hard work that I have put in from excelling to the top in my hockey years, investing time, money, and energy into the community and youth group activities, the years that I spent fighting such a brutal disease, conquering it, and then cycling across Canada to raise thousands of dollars to fight childhood cancer diseases, speaking to hundreds and thousands across this country and impacting even more through the Internet, television and movies/documentaries that have featured me.
For some, you have no clue of the pain that I am describing. For others, you probably know all to well what I'm talking about...and yet again, for some, what you know is so twisted and skewed that it is sickening.
I look back on my life and I some times wonder what I did (or didn't do) to cause such grief and misery. Did I do something wrong, did I say something? Did I offend someone? I must be wrong, this must be my fault.
Every single day that I wake up I must search deep within myself to find the strength to press on through yet, another day. The strength to find patience, the strength to find the words (or no words at all), the strength to look at myself in the mirror and say "you are good, you are strong, you are wise, you are powerful, you are enough."
But at the end of every single day as I lay myself to sleep, I must remember that I am not alone and the only fight that I have to worry about is the good fight of trust. That I am created with a purpose, a vision and a heart and there is nothing that I could or couldn't do to ruin that. I am qualified and because of that...nothing can interrupt my course. My auto pilot is set and there's no turning back.
I do the things that I do for it is what I know I ought to do. I will not surround myself with
negativity and I will not allow myself to go down with others who are going down. For they believe that they are true and noble and good, but boy do they not know the destruction and chaos that they have created. Woe to you who join the gang of deceit and evil doings!
I am pressed on every side by troubles, but I am not crushed. I am perplexed, but not driven to despair. I am hunted down, but I am not abandoned. I get knocked down, but I am not destroyed.
I will press on. I will walk in victory. Because even if my team is compiled with the un seen, I am stronger than hundreds that walk against me.

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